


The Four Times I Believed You Loved Me

by TheOneAndOnly1993



Series: Love in Kamihama [2]
Category: Magia Record: Puella Magi Madoka Magica Side Story, Mahou Shoujo Madoka Magika | Puella Magi Madoka Magica
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Insecurity, Near Death, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-10
Updated: 2019-10-10
Packaged: 2020-12-07 16:46:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,761
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20979131
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheOneAndOnly1993/pseuds/TheOneAndOnly1993
Summary: There are many precious memories of Rika Ayano, four of which Ren holds dear to her heart.





	The Four Times I Believed You Loved Me

_The first time…_

The ocean inhaled and exhaled, lapping at Ren’s feet. Rendered a sheet of beaten copper by the setting sun, her eyes flitted in a scramble to memorize every last detail of the ocean before they went home.

It had been so many years since she last saw it.

_“Ren-chan!”_

This might be her last time seeing it for several more. _I need to soak it all in. Just one more time. Capture this memory for my next white page._

_“Ren-chaaan!”_ she heard over the roar.

She tore away from the beautiful picture to find another, more—”Um.” Rika was staggering. She looked like she was running, but her pale legs staggered forth, a beat between each movement. She pumped her arms in a similar manner. “A-are you okay?”

Of course she was. Stupid thing to say. But Rika was being weird.

And wonderful: “I’m running to you in slow motion! ‘Baywatch’ st—_OUGHA!”_

Ren gasped. “Rika-chan!” She ran to her sand-kissing best friend, skidding into a kneeling position. “Rika-chan, are you okay?”

Her ghostly complexion, even more so as it was all dusty, lifted, alight with a smile. “Ye-yeah!” she wheezed. “Just tripped is all.”

“Be careful.”

“Yes, Mom.”

Ren uncapped her water bottle. “Close your eyes tight.” Rika was startled, and before Ren could apologize for being so aggressive she fixed herself into a kneeling position, head craning forward.

Ren doused her face. Rika shook her head like a dog, hitting Ren with a cool drizzle and a warmth inside that made her giggle.

“Um, uh, wh-what made you come out here?” she asked. “I thought you and Miyako-senpai—”

“I didn’t wanna miss your last ocean sunset,” Rika chirped. “Good thing, too. I woulda missed out on this boldness you’d been hiding from me!”

“‘B-boldness?’”

Rika furrowed her brows, teasing in a deep voice, “‘Be careful. Close your eyes tight. Unga bunga, me Ren-chan.’”

_Did I really sound like that?!_“O-oh, n-no, I… I was overreacting and-and I shouldn’t have snapped, and—”

Rika giggled into her hand. “It means you worry about me. So thanks for that!”

_She… she’s always comforting me when I take her the wrong way. Never seeming annoyed._

Rika gazed toward the ocean as Ren fought to still her silly little heart. “Oh, no!” she cried.

“What is it?” Ren followed her gaze: an ever-darkening sheet of beaten iron greeted her. Stars began dotting the horizon.

“My antics made you miss your sunset.” Rika lowered her head. “I’m sorry, Ren-chan.”

_I hadn’t even realized._ The sincerity in her voice was… it was far more beautiful.

Ren smiled. “It’s fine.”

“Are you sure?”

Ren nodded. Between tearing herself away from a more fun time with Emi and Hinano, and feeling sorry for her supposed transgression…

_The first time, you cared about my interests._

_The second time…_

The night air was bitter, stirring Ren’s coiffed hair, playing with her bangs. The music of Chuo’s junior prom throbbed painfully within her.

_Can’t go back._

_Can’t go back._

_Can’t go back._

_Not after I ran like that._

_Not after Rika-chan’s classmates…_

Their comments stabbed at her like daggers: *‘*This _is your plus one?’_

*‘*This _is the Isuzu-chan you’re spending time with instead of us?’_

And as she ran away, she swore she heard: _‘Such a fragile little girl. What fun is she, Ayano-san?’_

Ren didn’t blame them for being unimpressed. It stung, but she understood. Especially when beside a dazzling star like Rika Ayano. It was the finer details which made it unbearable to even recall: “This,” as if Rika had sold “Isuzu-chan” as something other than a ball-and-chain of nerves.

Was she ashamed to know Ren, deep down?

Did she regret ever knowing her?

Probably.

Most likely.

There was a sharp gasp behind her. “Oh, thank God! Ren-chan!”

“Rika-chan—!” Ren stopped herself from speaking, from turning, pressing her lips against her knees to muffle another sob. She couldn’t stop shaking as Rika sat beside her. “Hey, hey, we should head back.”

Ren didn’t know what to say. _She’s still willing to suffer embarrassment for my sake._ The sake of Rika—… _Ayano’s_ moral ball-and-chain.

“Ren-chan—”

“Your school friends will start wondering.” Ren didn’t dare look her way. “You should head back yourself.”

“And leave my plus-one up here on the roof?”

A tingle shuddered throughout Ren, another shot upwards upon Ayano sliding over, close enough to press against her side. “Ren-chan.” Close enough for the warmth of her leg to burn against Ren’s. “Ren-chan, look at me! Please…”

She turned, but kept her eyes shut. Just in case Ayano looked disappointed. Or exhausted, being the high-maintenance girl Ren had always been.

“Oh, Ren-chan.”

A soft gasp slipped past her stupid lips as a hand cradled her cheek, thumbing away her tears. “I’m sorry.” Ren didn’t know why. “I’m so sorry! I’m sorry, I’m sorry—” For everything. For embarrassing her. For—

Her other cheek was grasped. “Stop apologizing!” Ayano’s voice broke.

Ren couldn’t help but open her eyes, and feel a hundred times worse seeing the rare tears brought forth by her own ridiculousness.

“Please stop apologizing,” Rika gasped, blinking her eyes clear only for them to well again. “_I’m_ the one who’s s-sorry, that you heard… all’a that.”

Ren squeezed her eyes shut, unable to bear the sight anymore. “I’m sorry you know me,” slipped out. And the rest followed: “I’m sorry I’m overbearing. I’m sorry you saved me. I’m—”

_“Ren-chan!”_

Now she was “Ren-chan” again. She shouldered her way out of Ayano’s gentle hold. Or tried to. “Let me go. Please,” she whispered. “Have fun tonight. I’ll be fine. Go back to your friends. I’ll be fine here, Ayano-chan.”

Suddenly her face was free, and a chill seeped through to the sound of a pained gasp. “What happened to ‘Rika-chan?!’”

She cared that much. “Your friends—”

Ayano’s eyes flashed wetly. “Those girls are barely my friends! _You are,_you’re my best friend, Ren-chan, and if you won’t go down there, I won’t either!”

But she’s been talking about junior prom every chance she got. They spent all day after school picking out dresses. “Why?”

“Whadda ya mean, ‘why?’”

Ren didn’t know. Except she did, she always had and was too scared of the answer to ever ask. “Why do you care so much about me?” she enunciated through her clenching throat.

“Ren-chan…” Her voice was so pained.

She was probably being stupid and nothing more. Ren buried herself in her hands and wailed. “Y-you’d be better off without—”

“Don’t you dare!”

Startled, Ren met Rika’s eyes, glaring through a veil of tears.

A look which crumbled by the word: “Don’t you dare say,” she gasped, “that my life would be better off,” another gasp, harsher her voice grew, “without someone who cares so much about me!”

“And not the girl who keeps up with the latest trends and laughs at every joke!” Rika continued. “But the girl who’s all trendy and giggly because she wants everybody to like her! So please…” Ren, on her knees, scrambled forth as Rika’s head dropped, her shoulders throbbing. “Please, s-stop hating yourself Ren-chan.” They ensnared one another in a fierce embrace.

Into her shoulder, Rika cried, “Please stop caring about what other people think of you! It hurts me to see, and—”

Ren clasped the back of her head, patting her angel-soft hair.

“And you’re my best friend. You’re so wonderful and caring and I’d lose my mind if you hated me.”

“Never,” Ren found herself hissing. “I’ll never ever hate you.”

They didn’t return to the party. But they danced on the roof like only a couple of kids could. Rika fetched refreshments, and Ren captured another memory for her diary.

_The second time, you sacrificed your reputation for me._

_The third time…_

This was a nightmare.

It had to be.

Most witches’ labyrinths were such in of themselves, but it was the very moment in which a horror had become real.

Ren clutched her breast, smoke slipped through her fingers, snaking toward the garish heavens above. It burned. It burned so bad she couldn’t get up, leaving her best friend alone to fight. So agonizing it was, she couldn’t even muster the strength to groan, and vaguely registered her lips contorting in silent cries.

How could life take such an ugly turn? An easy question: because it can and it does, as Ren often learned, especially in the days before Rika Ayano came into her life.

With her, color returned to Ren Isuzu’s grey life. There were still many greys to be had, for sure. But today, with Rika, it was one full of color:

_“Let’s get our nails painted, Ren-chan!”_ she had said moments ago, skipping backwards with her hands behind her back. _“Let’s get our hair done after!”_

Rika always knew how to stir the butterflies in her stomach. _“Hee-hee, ah, um, but wh-why? I’m not saying ‘no,’ but what’s the occasion?”_

A sharp gasp, and before the fear of having inadvertently insulted Rika could take root Ren was grabbed by the face, pulled so close their noses touched. _“Beauty needs no rationale, dear Ren-chan.”_They laughed, and as Rika pulled away she cheerfully added, _“‘Sides, I’ve been thinking about tryin’ out a new ‘do. Haven’t you?”_

_“Never,”_ giggled Ren. _“B-b-but I’m not opposed! Or anything… Yeah! Yeah, let’s do it!”_

_“Ooh, spontaneous Ren-chan! Me likey! I think I’m starting to rub off on you!”_

She already had, though. As she skipped ahead, Ren thought of the way Rika smiled, infecting their every moment together with sunshine and color.

That’s when a witch’s barrier appeared in their path to the salon. Rika groaned at the intrusion, of course, and understandably so. But Ren wasn’t going to let this monster ruin another soul; she transformed and ran ahead. Rika had followed, still in her school uniform.

It was as she was transforming when the beast emerged, faster than the flash it took for her to don her reds and whites.

Ren took the full brunt of the shot, felt it penetrate her soul and into Rika’s—not literally, but by the haggard cry of her name Ren could tell it pierced her, too.

Even now, Rika was still screaming, broken only by the punches of her lazer, sizzling against the flesh of the witch. _“Ren!”_ she had punctuated with each one. _“REN! REN! REN-CHAAAN!”_ she cried through a longer, booming blast lasting five seconds.

_“YOU KILLED MY REN-CHAN!”_

_Rika-chan, no!_ Ren wheezed inaudibly. Even if she could find her voice, Rika’s back was to her, skirts flaring about her thighs—a demonic guardian angel firing into the starved flames consuming this three-story eyeball on mechanical spider legs.

After that, she was just screaming, gasping, crying between every assault. The witch’s roars were bloodcurdling, but no more than the anguish in Rika’s voice.

The battle… slaughter, really… was over soon as it began. They were back in the suburban alleyway, evidence of the scuffle lingering only in their state of dress, the tiny grief seed laid several feet away, and Rika Ayano upon her knees, heaving into her palms.

Ren’s heart cried out. She wanted—no, *needed—*to make Rika’s pain stop.

She mustered all her might, propping herself on an elbow, blotting out the white-hot pain glowering within her breast and hoarsely cried out, “Rika-chan!” She collapsed unto her chest, yelping out again. She could barely hear the started, choked sound across from her.

Seconds later, Ren’s head was being cradled and soaked in a hot, somewhat sticky drizzle. Rika’s face was wrenched in pain, blotting out the afternoon sun. Her fist laid against Ren’s aching breast, clutching the grief seed.

Yet, she was managing a smile. “I thought you’d died,” she said, and then wailed, “I thought you died, Ren-chan!”

Despite her pain, Ren managed a reassuring smile. “Magical girls… built—_ah!”_ The burn flared.

“Ren-chan!” Rika clutched her shoulder, letting the grief seed clinking against the asphalt. “Oh, Ren-chan…”

“We can take it,” tore haggardly from Ren’s throat. _So please, stop hurting over me. It’s over now, and we’re fine, and we can go get our nails and hair done and laugh about this like it was nothing._

“I thought…” Rika gulped, and finally opened her eyes—ruddy outside their ruby hues. “I thought that your soul gem…”

Oh.

_Oh._

A centimeter higher, and Ren would never see her precious Rika ever again. That must be what she’s thinking, right? For Ren?

This probably wasn’t going to be laughed about anytime soon. “Sorry for causing you so much trouble… Rika-chan,” Ren hissed. That’s when Ren noticed the fleur de lis around Rika’s neck: blacker than night, sans a tiny speck of crimson at its apex. “Ah!” gasped Ren, collapsing into a coughing fit.

“Don’t push yourself!”

“Cleanse yourself with that, Rika-chan. Before—”

“No!”

Why was she being stubborn about this?! “You’re full of impurities! Rika-chan, take it already!” Ren hoarsely cried. “I’m not—”

“You say you’re not worth it, Ren-chan, and I swear to God I’ll be mad at you forever!” Rika was squeezing her shoulder and a clump of Ren’s hair in a death grip—a dull pain against that which smoldered upon her breast, but a pain nonetheless. “You _are_worth it, okay?! I’ll go find another witch if I have to! I’ll fight it myself, even!”

Is that what this was about? “Rika-cha—”

“I love you, Ren-chan! I don’t want anything bad to happen to you, and if something did because I gave in to your stupid, wonderful selfless self then I—!”

_“Rika-chan!”_ Panting and startled, she looked to Ren, tears clinging defiantly to her cheeks. “Rika-chan… my bag is over there. Front pocket. We killed three witches yesterday, remember?”

Her face twitched up, the damp tracks gleaming suddenly under the pale sunlight. “Oh.”

Ren smiled. She would be grinning like a schoolgirl if not for her current state. _Rika-chan said she loves me. She was willing to sacrifice herself for me._ It was a good thing she was like this, then, instead of weirding out Rika.

After healing her own impurities and Ren’s, instantly mending the flesh scarred by the witch, they took a moment to catch their breaths—Ren in her own case simply enjoying hers, free of pain.

“Better?” she heard Rika say. Her best friend was smiling, sniffling, wiping her sleeve across her face.

Ren nodded, propping her recovering self upon trembling arms. “Mm.”

She felt hurt when Rika suddenly looked away, replaced by confusion upon noticing her smirk. “Uh, let’s change back quickly!” said Rika.

“Wh-what’s wrong?” Ren looked down to where Rika pointed. The black tank top of her magical girl uniform had a U-shaped singe.

“Eep!” Ren clasped her own shoulders.

Rika burst out laughing. “It’s not like you got anything to show!”

“Tha-tha-that’s _mean_, Rika-chan.”

“What? Neither do I! Besides,” she added slyly, “s’not like I mind.”

Ren’s face still burned hot as her brain ground to a halt. “Wait, what?” she uttered.

Within the hour, they were side by side in Rika’s favorite beauty parlor. Ren wouldn’t dare ask about her emotional dropping of the sacred L-word, nor her flirty teasing, but she could certainly write about it.

_The third time, you were worried about me._

_The fourth and final time…_

Rika tore across the rooftop. At its very edge she kicked off to the next, uncaring if passersby below looked up and saw beneath her skirt. She only cared for one thing: the owner of the diary in one hand, author of this letter in the other.

_‘Rika-chan,_

_My face is burning as I write to you now, as my eyes run too. Sorry in advance if some of this is smudged._

_This is so, so embarrassing. And sad, and weird. But Emiri-chan told me I should do it this way, because I’m not so good with words. That’s why, before you finish the rest of this letter, I ask that you find the time to read my diary first._

_It’s you. It’s mine, but it’s you. It’s all of our memories together, all of the wonderful days I spent with you, filling those pages. Before that, it really was me: blank, unremarkable, no different from others of its sort._

_And since meeting you, Rika-chan, my heart has been as filled as those pages—my most treasured memories, all of you.’_

Rika tore from rooftop to rooftop, scanning the streets for that shock of silver braided in a red bow. _Please, no, please, no, please, no,_ her thoughts ran as frantic as her heart.

_‘I’ll be honest. To this day, I still don’t know what you see in me. We’ve talked many times about this since junior prom at Chou, I know, but I still can’t help but feel like a burden._

_I’m quiet. I’m anxious. A total wallflower in social settings. Weak outside of battle, and though you admire my heroism I can’t see that as a worthwhile trait to be around stacked beside all my negatives._

_We couldn’t be any more different from each other. I often feel like your ball and chain, shackled to you by an obligation to stop the depressed girl from committing suicide.’_

_No, Ren-chan. I love everything about you and always have—your selflessness, your softness, the way you smile and the way I can talk to you about anything and everything. You’re honest, and you’re sweet. You’re cute and you are so, so smart._

Where did Rika go wrong? Did she poke too much fun? Was Ren afraid she’d share this self-perceived embarrassment with her friends?

She most certainly did. That had to be it.

But then why wasn’t Ren answering her phone?

_Ren-chan, I swear…_

_I swear that if this is what I think it is…_

Rika howled as she cleared another gap between rooftops.

_I’ll be broken forever, too broken to hate you._

Her scanning of the streets below had become frantic. Too frantic. Perhaps she’d missed Ren. Yeah, that’s it.

It had to be.

_‘Yet you’ve stuck by me, even when I was at my most insufferable._

_And I thank you for that. Thank you for your friendship. From the depths of my heart, thank you so, so much, Rika-chan._

_And I’m sorry. Sorry for dropping this on you out of the blue._

_I’m sorry if my journal creeps you out. It creeps me out sometimes, if I’m being honest. I must sound like a creepy stalker in some of those pages. But it’s all the truth, every last word.’_

Rika clasped the journal to her breast, scanning the miles of skyscrapers all around. The sky had turned burnt orange. Still no Ren.

The diary of whom thundered against her breast—ceaseless in its drumming since yesterday. _I understand now, Ren-chan._ She leapt to the next building. _I totally understand… just how much I mean to you._

_This diary isn’t creepy at all._

_No one, ever, in all my life… has cared this much about me. Not even my own parents._

_So please…_

_Please be okay…_

Rika faltered in her step, staggering to a halt as she clasped her knees, panting. “Please, Ren-chan,” she whispered, her red boots blurring. “Please make it so I’m just being emotional and rushy like always.”

_‘I’m sorry if this ruins you forever, what I’m about to say. Even more so if this ruins this friendship I treasure with all my being. For so long I’ve been too afraid to acknowledge my feelings because of that._

_But I’m done being a ball and chain. And I’m done burdening you, and you being burdened by guilt from your wish._

_Rika-chan?_

_I love you._

_You reject me harshly? I’ll still love you, because I understand the hate you feel for yourself, about your wish._

_You throw my diary in my face and call me disgusting? I’ll still love you, because you are under no obligation to return my feelings, much less accept them._

_You simply never text me again?_

_I will always love you. Because I have all our memories writ upon my memory, as if my journal was right in front of me._

_I love you, Rika-chan._

_We may be in high school. I may be too young and inexperienced in the world of romance to comprehend the true depths of that word. That’s all true, and I could very well just be a lovesick little fool._

_But I know what I feel. And when I think about you, look at you, and am with you, I want nothing more than to stay there. To protect you. To wipe away your fears and insecurities whenever they come, just as you’ve done for me for however many pages I’ve filled in my diary._

_You’re considerate and strong, caring, silly, beautiful, and most importantly of all, my best friend. Always._

_I love you, Rika-chan._

_I love you. I love you. I love you._

_And you will never stop me from fantasizing about how you’d look across from me at a wedding altar._

_-Ren_

Against all odds, Rika spotted that shock of red against braided silver on the pathway leading towards Ren’s little home.

Rika’s mind went blank, spotting her from atop that suburban home.

Then her heart doubled its pace before she leapt. “Ren-chan!” Rika crashed and wrapped her arms around Ren before the poor thing could turn fully.

“R-Rika-chan?!” her wispy voice fractured with surprise.

“I’m sorry,” Rika whimpered into her shoulder, hearing her school bag drop. “I’m sorry I thought you did something horrible. You’re so strong, Ren-chan. So much stronger than me!”

“R-Ri—”

She tore away. “You butt!” Now that the fear was gone, Rika was furious. “Jerk! Dummy! Scaring me to death like that!” Word after word, she shook her… her beloved friend. “Why didn’t you answer your phone?!”

“I-I’m sorry! Oh, no wonder you were terrified.” Ren’s eyes filled with tears, already empathizing with Rika in the way she loved so much. “I’ve… I was scared. So I’ve been fighting witches with Miyako-senpai and Emiri-chan. I dropped my phone in the toilet. I’m sorry.”

“Oh, Ren-chan,” Rika giggled wetly. “How’d you manage that?”

“I—”

Rika, finding she didn’t care about that anymore, snagged Ren by the collar and pulled her face close. “Yes, by the way.”

Wide blue eyes gawked. “H-huh? Wh-wh-d-d-d—?”

“I love you, too, Ren-chan!” And her mouth parted wide, stammering—the perfect opportunity to capture her lips.

_The fourth and final time, you cared about my interests, sacrificed your reputation for me, were worried for me, all because you loved me._


End file.
